Ongoing Saga

So, I replied yesterday.

I'm not sure exactly what you want to accomplish with this meeting, except make me cry some more. I haven't changed my mind, I'm sorry, but I still think I need to do this. I don't think I could have gotten here without you, I will forever be grateful for what you have given me, and forever regret that I had to hurt you to get here.

I know you think I'm making a mistake, but I disagree, and I'm not going to sit there and let you tell me how you think I'm screwing up. I'm also not going to try come up with an answer that will satisfy you. I tried, you weren't satisfied, I'm sorry, but you'll have to come to terms with this on your own.

Now, what do you want to accomplish by meeting?

Now I know it's blunt... but I didn't quite think it warranted this:

You _are_ going to sit there and listen to me tell you how you are screwing up. You are throwing away your marriage. This is called "screwing" up by everyone on the planet. After six years, you owe me one goddamn hour to air my grievances. After all the years I listened to you, you can listen to me for one hour.

This is what adults do. Before they get a divorce, they talk about it one final time. You dumped me over email. The only reason you have ever given me for leaving is one I made up for you. Telling me to my face why this is happening is the adult, responsible thing to do.

I have made this process as easy as possible for you. Now I am asking for one small thing - a perfectly reasonable thing - and you are balking. How is this fair?

I have some insights to share with you. I know you don't care, I know you will not profit from them, I know now that your hatred of me consumes anything else I could ever give you, but this is the last time you will ever have to listen to me.

My hatred of him consumes me? Was there hatred in my email? If so, I don't see it, and I certainly didn't mean it. As for the reason I left him... the reason I gave him was that I didn't love him. That wasn't good enough.

A couple of months before I left, he tried to move me into the guest room. The previous month had been a very good one, then we had a couple bad experiences in the bedroom (it all boils down to sex, that was the only thing important to him), and he was back in a depression. When he tried to kick me out of his bed, all I could think was that I couldn't do that... I couldn't go on living with him, if I was going to be in the spare room. I thought about what other options I had, who could I move in with. I thought of my friend Jess, and The Fat Man.

That was the beginning on the end for my marriage. We had troubles before, and things weren't great, but it was not until after that point, that I seriously considered it could end. That day, I managed to change his mind, I promised things would change. I even tried to follow through, but from that day forward, I was walking on eggshells, waiting for the bomb to drop. I also stopped being able to see any happy future in the relationship. I didn't want to have children with this man. I just didn't see things the same way. He would brag to his friends about how smart I was... this was supposed to show me that it was not only sex. All I saw was him bragging about a belonging. He thought it should make me feel special, it made me feel like a piece of meat. I didn't want to have sex with him. It was awkward, and difficult, and any wrong move on my part and everything fell apart.

Any discussion we had ended up where he wanted it too. I complained he berated me in Karate, instead of saying sorry, and trying not to do it again (how hard is that?), he argued the point. At a dinner with friends, he said I was not at all sweet. When I explained that was not nice of him, he should never say a woman wasn't sweet unless he wanted to say she was a bitch, he argued the point. I asked he not put his feet up on the dashboard of my car, so they were actually resting on the window, and he threw a fit like a spoiled child. "Because I asked you," was never enough reason for anything.

So now I get to try explain this to him, yet again. As he tries to give me his theories, that may or may not be designed to make himself feel better. As he accuses me of hating him, of being hostile, and I can either sit there and take it, or prove him right. Gotta love the choices I get left with.